How to be brave?

People use the word brave when I tell them about my move. At first it surprised me, but than many more people used the term when they heard of my move and it made me think about it.

Am I brave? And how do I be brave?

What does it actually mean to be brave?

The dictionary says brave describes a person willing to do things that are difficult, dangerous, or painful; not afraid.

Well I am prepared to do things that are difficult, that other people find dangerous and things that would be painful to another are not that painful to me. And afraid? Yes I am definitely afraid.

But maybe what I fear is different to what people expect others to be fearful off. Maybe I fear different things than others and maybe I am lucky because I have dreams and adventures on the other side that lead me away from my fears. It is like I am in the middle and I can look to the right and she things that make me scared, so I just look to the left as much as possible where I see wild adventures, distant shores and exciting opportunities!

What is the scary part about this move anyway?

Being alone?

Not knowing the environment you are in?

Not speaking the language?

Photo: Pluusje

I am afraid often when I am ‘home’.

I fear having to leave my rental house whenever the owner wants it back. I fear not being able to find another one. I fear this feeling of not being good enough because I cannot choose my house. I just have to hope that it will somehow work out and someone will come to my rescue and hope that someone will let me live in their house. I fear having to thank others for helping me. I fear needing help. I fear that people think I am a looser when they read this. I fear the pain I feel when I look back at my life and see how the choices I made worked out.

Having a job scares me. I like doing stuff, I like being busy, I am super interested, I like learning new things, achieving goals, I like making money for myself and for the boss. Both are cool. But it is the endlessness of it. Just the idea that it just goes on and on and will never end, you just have to keep going. Sometimes you get a few days off but then back again and again and again.

Oh yeah, but that is just life, that is the same for everybody. Everybody has to work. I hear many voices in my head say. Yes, I know that. But that is a fear I have. I am not saying that this makes sense. It just freaks me out.

The constant having to think in a practical manner scares me. As a working parent in a normal situation you have to be sharp all the time. You can never forget to set your alarm, you can never forget to have bread and fruit for lunch, you can never not wash the clothes, you can never not comb the hair, not forget that phone call, that email and that one and that one, you can never ever just make it stop for a while. It drives me crazy.

Every morning starts with stress of getting children out of bed and washed, fed, dressed and out the door on time. Then rush from the school to the office, to the shop, to the kitchen. Think about the bins. If you forget it you have a problem of having to store your trash for two weeks.  Birthday presents, cards, showing up at people’s events, contributing to whatever it is what people are doing and God knows why. Constant, constant doing things that have to be done and constant thinking about the things that need to be done. I can’t believe it makes anybody happy. We just do it because everybody else does it. It is chokes me.

Sure I can get over myself everyday again and enjoy the little things. An achievement here and there, a nice chat with someone, finishing a task, getting a poke bowl for lunch. But it all seems to have nothing to do with me. It is not something I ever dreamed about.  And I still do not really understand how, when you have children it is so easy to get stuck in that schoolyard lifestyle.

That is what scares me. Going into every Zoom or Teams meeting scares me. Every day again. Why? No idea it just does. That to me is scarier than hopping on a flight to a place that I have never been to before.

After my last post I talked to a friend about loneliness. And yes, I have been in a relationship for 13 years so the idea of not having someone to rely on can be daunting sometimes. With my mother and grandmother gone I feel that I don’t have anyone to rely on. I just need to learn to trust myself. Trust that I can make this work.

 And honestly, how often can you not rely on the person you are in a relationship with? Whether that is your partner or a parent or a close friend.

Sometimes they are just not there. Sometimes they do not want to be there. Sometimes they prefer that you stay exactly where you are. Even if that is a miserable place. Your easier to control when you are afraid and insecure. If you don’t have money you can’t run away. 

Maybe your interests are conflicting and supporting you might set them back. Or maybe they can’t. They might just not have the skills to understand what you are on about. They might not understand your vision. Especially when you are looking for support for a concept or an idea. Something that does not exist yet.  Hard thing to ask from someone to visualise what you have made up in your imagination.

And for parents, parents want their kids to be safe. Where the (grown up) kids might not want to be safe. They might want adventure or take risks or become a warzone correspondent or have many sexual partners or change religion.  You can’t expect your mother to understand and support you. They want for you what is best for them and that is you living a life without danger.  Sometimes you are just on your own.

And all this togetherness can hold you back. If you have decided, you are doing this life thing together. It also means that both have to agree before a decision is made. Which often leads to no decision being made at all. If you can’t wait to jump in at the deep end and you have to wait until your partner is ready, you might wait for a long time. Your partner might never be ready.

Relationships can be a supplier of support, but they can also be a supplier of guilt and blame. Sometimes the relationship feeds the fear and not the dream.

Some people pay a high price for company. How much are you willing to give up, just to not be alone?

And finally, I fear anger and bitterness and regret and not even trying. I already did a lot of that.  I don’t want to have anyone but myself to blame. If I am on my deathbed, I do not want to look back and saw that I just accepted it all and sat there blaming the government or my parents and let my life go by. No, I want to live big, much bigger than I have been doing. Thank you very much.

I don’t want to be angry. Not a single person or institution is responsible for my wellbeing. No, the Miss Obvious’ version of Get rich or die trying is get happy or die trying.