Keeping my Head Dry

Tomorrow I have been in Amsterdam for two weeks. It has been really amazing. I have been welcomed with so much love from friends and family. Heart-warming might be the right word, but also definitely grateful and just special.

I have met with many people and had long open conversations. Unfortunately many can relate to the topic of separation after a long relationship, many of us have lost our parents and now also our first friends are leaving us behind. Many of us are struggling with a wide spectrum of mental health issues and the feeling of not fitting in or not being able to match required expectations.

Thankfully there were many moments of friendship and a lot of laughs mixed in with these chats so it wasn’t all gloomy and it is great that the two can go together. We can explore the more serious topics and laugh about ourselves long and loud.

I was touched by the willingness to open up, surprised by how similar our experiences are yet when we are in the middle of it we feel so lonely and think it is just us and everyone else is managing just fine.

I also told my story over and over again. I tried to constantly bend it towards the positive side, to turn every bit of pain around to that which is wanted instead of what I no longer want. This is no easy job. It requires a constant and conscious tweaking of the mind.

The last thing I want is to stay angry or become bitter and loose the ability to trust. I want to be a happy and excited person, who is fun to be around and noticed that after two weeks of telling my story I am really sick of listening to myself. I look forward to the next two weeks that I will spend on the water and hope for the wind to clear out some of the messy thoughts that have been fogging up my brain.

When I started writing this I was in the metro typing this on my phone. I was on the hunt for a tarp and went to Decathlon near Bijlmer ArenA. Could not find what I was looking for so took the metro another two stops to go the Gamma and eventually gave up at Leenbakker.

When I crossed the parking lot to the entrance this not-good-enoughness started creeping up on me. I was the only one there who did not come by car. Clearly this place was not for non-independents without a proper vehicle like me. Inside I stared at couches and pillows and sets of three side tables and feathers for decoration and vases and pillows and carpets you can change every season.

Where to live has been a big topic on my mind and looking at all those things and all those people who apparently had places to put those things in made me long for a place like that. It made me feel like a failure that I did not have such a place. Made me doubt. Did I want to buy a couch?

I did not envy the girl who tried to get her fresh husband excited about the couch she liked and realised that a couch can be the same as any other thing that represents a dreamt off lifestyle. Getting another person to share your excitement is a common fail, so basically she wasn’t that different than me and I pitied her as she sighed and he looked frustrated and I made my way through the maze hoping I would find a piece of cloth that will stop the rain from falling on my head when sitting outside on a small and cheap sailing vessel that will be my home for the next two weeks.